Question : I often get into arguments with my friends and family. They always place blame for my failures and obstacles on others. I want to genuinely avoid this situation. Please offer some guidance.
Dear Teentalker,
Thank you for connecting with us. I can imagine that getting trapped in a blame game can be so unnerving and frustrating for you. It is not a dead end and there are ways of coping with such situations.
All of us are flawed in some way or another. Often we find ways of defending ourselves and protecting our flaws from being evident, which may result in pushing us away from other people.
When it comes to placing blame in a relationship of any kind, it is usually simpler to hand it out to someone else instead of holding it on oneself. May it be a parent-child relationship or a romantic relationship, it is important to understand why the blame is being placed on you or someone else. Additionally, we can only be in control of changing ourselves which can be the focus of improvement in any relationship.
Begin with taking a step back and looking at the situation from a distance. This will allow you to slow down and evaluate your own emotions better and also allow a better outlook into why the other person might be behaving the way they are. Once you detach from this situation, your view might become more objective which will lead to a clearer and less subjective thought process. Remember, people also have a natural tendency to cast blame onto someone else as they might also be protecting themselves just like we would.
Communicate and speak about your concerns openly. If you have a trusted friend of counsellor around you, try to discuss your concerns with them. This can help you release some of the many emotions you might be feeling and also offer you a new approach which you may have not realized.
Once something has already been done, it goes into the past box. The past box cannot be changed in any way and might only cause more negativity if revisited. Try and divert that attention to the future and what you can change or improve to avoid such conflicts. Remember, you can only work on your own attitudes and thoughts, not on someone else’s.
The temptation of immediately pointing a finger at someone else for a mistake made by you is high and that is very natural to us. However, it is disrespectful and unfair to them as they may not have any part in this error. There is no harm in making mistakes. We learn from them and continue to grow and evolve with time. Accepting our own mistakes and using them as opportunities is key and will also gain you respect form others and help you mature. It is important to acknowledge that quitting the blame game in its entirety is a challenging and gradual task to accomplish. Start small and take it one day, one person, one situation, one mistake at a time.
Each time you try, you’ll learn something new about yourself and also add value to your relationships. If you are experiencing the blame from other people, take a step back and allow them to make their own realizations. Just because you get blamed for something doesn’t mean that you have committed the mistake. Let it pass. Hope this has been useful and if you have further queries please do get in touch with us.
Warm Regards,
Expert Teentalk India