Dear Teentalker,
Losing a grandparent can be really painful because we can draw a lot of love and support from them, sometimes even without realizing it. It sounds like your Nani’s loss has hit you really hard and the reason you feel stuck getting through it may be because it’s associated with a telephone call. This can serve as a reminder for you and it sounds like your brain is unconsciously associating “phone calls” with “someone close to me has died”. This I know can be really rough.
I hope to help you break this association and.....
Dear Teentalker,
Losing a grandparent can be really painful because we can draw a lot of love and support from them, sometimes even without realizing it. It sounds like your Nani’s loss has hit you really hard and the reason you feel stuck getting through it may be because it’s associated with a telephone call. This can serve as a reminder for you and it sounds like your brain is unconsciously associating “phone calls” with “someone close to me has died”. This I know can be really rough.
I hope to help you break this association and eventually help you heal. Also I think it’s a good idea to acknowledge the sense of responsibility you have about being the rock. Feeling like you have less of a right to grieve than your mother is may be what is blocking you from expressing your feelings.
Here are a few things to keep in mind:
- There is no one timeline for processing death, and it is perfectly normal to be experiencing upsetting emotions 6 months after your Nani passed away
- Notice your physical reactions when the phone rings, and ignore them – they will fizzle out eventually if you do not pay them much attention.
- You are absolutely entitled to your intense feelings of grief, and so is your mother. If you do not want to display your grief in front of her, create a special private ritual where you can express your sadness
Tackling both issues separately, let’s look first at the anxiety you feel when a phone rings at home. What sensations do you sense in your body that makes you feel panicky? These could be suddenly sweating, feeling nauseous, heart racing, thoughts suddenly scrambled, muscles cramping, etc. The next time a phone rings at home, try and bring your attention to these physical sensations and staying with them. By this I mean not trying to push them away or worrying about having these sensations – simply riding them out till they pass. The more you practice this habit of watching the physical sensation in your body without reacting to it, the less of a hold these sensations will have on your emotions – thus leading to less and less panic. It’s like a simple trick - just as you have learned to associate phone calls with heightened bodily sensations with feeling panicky, you can learn to disassociate these links too – by simply being aware and non-reactive.
I think that your feelings of guilt about expressing your grief are unfair to yourself. Yes, you are right – your Nani was your mother’s mother, so of course she is entitled to her intense feelings. But she was also your grandmother and you are entitled to your own intense feelings too! It sounds like you’re trying to be your mother’s support while pushing away your own feelings. Maybe you could allow yourself some private time to grieve deeply, and when you are with your mother you could be her support. Creating a space that is just your own, with a little ritual may help you. Some people create small shrines for the person who died, with photos, flowers and other little memory trinkets. You could visit this space as often as you need while still being there for your mother’s feelings.
Lastly, I want to reassure you that everything you are feeling is completely normal! There is no one way to mourn the loss of a loved person, and there is no time limit. It can take months or years, and we often do not “get over” or “move on” from their loss, but we learn to cope with the feelings and life without them in it.
Hope this helps, if you have any other query do connect online for chat between 11am-8pm or drop us an offline message.
Regards,
Expert Teentalk India
