Dear Teentalker,
You’ve hit the nail on its head – what you’re describing counts as emotional abuse.
Here are a few active steps you can take to help yourself:
In Brief:
- Have a conversation explaining both yours and your boyfriend’s right to privacy
- Set boundaries by changing your phone settings
- Be firm when he is calling you names
- Try and extend some understanding by asking about his need for control
First, calling you a slut or whore is not okay. Policing who m.....
Dear Teentalker,
You’ve hit the nail on its head – what you’re describing counts as emotional abuse.
Here are a few active steps you can take to help yourself:
In Brief:
- Have a conversation explaining both yours and your boyfriend’s right to privacy
- Set boundaries by changing your phone settings
- Be firm when he is calling you names
- Try and extend some understanding by asking about his need for control
First, calling you a slut or whore is not okay. Policing who messages you is not okay. I wish I could tell you that love conquers all, but you know this not to be the truth – otherwise you wouldn’t be writing in.
Everyone has their own ways of coping with troubling situations – even when we think we are doing nothing, we are in fact doing something. What are some of the things you’re already doing to cope with your boyfriend’s controlling behavior? Have these activities been helpful? Maybe you could think about adding some more strategies to your coping skills.
You’ve identified being called hurtful names is affecting your self-esteem. If you’ve already explained your right to privacy to him, and asked for him to trust you the way that you trust him, consider enforcing your personal boundaries. Every relationship needs boundaries in place so that both partners can keep their privacy and dignity. Change your phone settings so that your messages do not pop up on the home screen. Change your passcode. When your boyfriend is wrongly accusing you, although it can feel difficult to remember, practice taking a deep breath and saying, “I hear you but it’s untrue”. This way you are standing up for yourself.
While you apply these boundaries, think about asking your boyfriend why he feels the need to control. Although you can’t change him, sometimes just extending some understanding to someone who is insecure can tell you a lot about him, and in the process he may feel more trusting.
Sometimes, asserting your own boundaries can backfire and make the person defensive and thus less cooperative. If you feel this is happening, do you think you can speak to a friend who your boyfriend trusts – perhaps you could ask them to speak to him? Perhaps hearing another perspective would make him think of his actions.
Hope this helps, if you have any other query do connect online for chat between 11am-8pm or drop us an offline message.
Regards,
Expert Teentalk India
