Khubi Amin Ahmed pens how she dealt with the loss of her Grandfather
As I sit to write a piece about me surviving the loss of my grandfather, my parent, my best friend, my guide, my philosopher and more,I am not sure losing which of those hurt the most. It is an irreparable loss is all I know. I am not sure,for the first time as a writer,how to pen this emotion. I lost my paternal grandfather. That is just how blankly I can put it.
No one from my family had the courage to break the news to me. They waited for me to reach home and see by myself. Once I saw him there wrapped in white colour, his face as peaceful as it always was. I can’t say what I felt as I was numb and cried. I have no memory. I remember feeling nothing. If that nothing qualifies as pain, I don’t know. I wonder if it was denial (one of the stages of grief).
I remember I held his face in my hands, told him to not leave me behind alone. That is me being as selfish as I had always been with him. I couldn’t believe he had left without meeting me. I don’t really remember any more of that day. Come to think of it, I don’t remember days after that. I think I kept sleeping in Nanu’s bed, wrapped myself in his blanket and tried to hold on to his essence for as long as I could.
The loss of my grandfather had such an impact on me that I had to forgot about my job and I reminded that I have a job to go back to it. An aunt of mine also asked if I was ready to meet boys for my wedding. I remember not knowing how to deal with her.
However devastating it may seem now, loss and grief they said is a part of growing up. We all lose people along the way and learn to accept it eventually. “Time heals all wounds.” “Let go.” all this was told to me with love and sympathy. While I trust their intentions, I could never get them to understand that it is the very thought of having to let go that is the most painful part!
I still haven’t and never will. Why would I want to let go of the most precious part of my life. I will cherish him and hold him close. I will keep him alive in my value system, in my beliefs. I owe him everything that I am today. I will live life like he taught me to and will not let life weigh me down. I will live life to make him proud. I will keep him close to myself and inspire from him. He is the source of my faith and will always be.
You can share with us by clicking Chat With Us.